I struggle with this subject daily. It crosses my mind at least once a day.

There will be times when I’ll have little spurts of motivation. Like nothing can stop me, and I am bright and smart and will finish college and go on to medical school.

Then there’s the other 85% of the time, when I am so stressed out and all I can think about is how stupid I am. How much more I could have studied, how there are other people can get A’s on exams so why can’t I? Why don’t I understand the material? Why is this so hard for me?

I think back to how school was before college. I was one of the smart kids. My teachers always said I was bright and intelligent, and I would go so far. I never had to study, and school was never an issue. Ever.

And here I am, my third year of college and this is so hard. I’m trying to figure out why I’m not the smart kid anymore. I’m wondering why this is so hard for me. I feel so ignorant. I went through my old middle school yearbook and there I was, 8th grade. I was voted “Most Brainy” by my teachers. I started bawling my eyes out. How could I go from that to this? Am I the only person who feels this way?

Being “smart” has come so easy to me in the past, so now that I’ve lost my touch, I am lost. I am so lost because I have never felt this way before. I can tell you so many facts about the human body that you would probably think I’m smart. That’s something I can really do well in. But when you bring me a steaming hot plate of chemistry or physics, I will literally turn into the dumbest person ever and throw. UP.

I start second guessing my future. God, how am I going to get into med school if I can’t even get an A in chemistry? What if I have to change my lifelong plans? What on earth am I supposed to do then? I’ve centered my whole adult life on being a doctor. Everyone already knows that’s what I want to be. And I really want to be. And it’s too late. If I back out now, I’ll look like the biggest failure on the planet.

But then I think of my friend Cassandra. She works 24 hour shifts and still shows up for class. Keep in mind that she takes the same classes as I do. For those that haven’t read the previous blog posts, she’s a freaking USAF veteran and is in school to be a PA. She still makes time to study, she still makes time to workout, to eat, to sleep. That literally amazes me. I don’t know how she does it. She’s basically Super Woman. I work 8-9 hour shifts, only 4 days a week, and here I am b*tching about my responsibilities. She may not even have it all figured out, but she sure doesn’t let it show if that’s the case.

(Side note: Cassandra told me she did like 88 push-ups in a minute when she was in the USAF and I thought to myself, “Pfft, I’ll beat that record.” Y’all, I ain’t lying when I tell you that I’ve been working out for like three months straight and I can only get to 20 without passing out. I’m mad as heck. LOL.)

I started googling my fears, reaching endlessly for something on the internet to make myself feel better. Oh, what a pathetic self-pity party I throw sometimes.

I started to realize that many people were in the same position as I was. I was seeing first hand accounts of people who got ALL C’s in their major classes and still got into med school. I learned it’s not all about GPA. It’s volunteering, research, the MCAT score, leadership activities, and also GPA. It made me feel a lot better.

I may not be smart (at all) when it comes to physics or chemistry, but I still love science and anatomy. I love all things medical. I honestly couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else in my life. So I’m going to keep going. No, it’s not an excuse to not try to get an A, but I now know that if I don’t, it’s not the end of the world. I have to keep telling myself that.

It is NOT the end of the world.

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