It’s been a little over a month since I was hospitalized due to an attempt to end my life. I’m doing well, if you’re wondering. Well, I guess. I think I’m just in one of my “up” moods in my roller coaster of emotions.
I’m on tinder, continuously swiping for something I’m probably not ready for. I just need human interaction. I need not to be alone.
My brother wants me to go see a psychiatrist. Just once, for him. I really don’t want to. I’m so over talking about it, and especially with someone I don’t know. How am I supposed to get my whole life story out in one 1-hour session? No thanks, pal.
I got a new tattoo. It’s probably my favorite now.
I like to hand out this lie that I’m crazy tough. But since I’m alive and still kicking, I got a tattoo to express my struggle with my brain and that I’m so done letting it control me. My mind has been through so much, but I like to think that it could have been much worse.
Because of what I have been through, my top two faults are that I do not do well by myself, and that I need to feel safe.
I swear on my life that dating two Marines wasn’t on purpose, nor the fact that I have many friends who are in the military. I think it’s just that I get along with people who are in those areas better, because I am a lot like them mentally.
Or maybe it’s a subconscious need for someone to make me feel safe, and that’s why it’s easy for me to like the military in general.
After being basically abandoned by the last guy, it’s hard for me to fully believe what people say now. That may not be fair, because not everyone is the same, but still.
I can’t fully comprehend how a person can just totally forget about someone they claimed they cared about.
So much energy, time, and love just wasted.
All my life that is what I do. I’ve come to realize that is how my life is supposed to go. I will give out my love until there is no more. And yet, that will not be enough.
“You relied on this too much,” he said to me.
And there it was.
He did not want someone like me. He wanted a normal girl with no baggage, no past, and no issues. He wanted a normal girl who was kind, but not too kind. Loving, but didn’t devote herself to him TOO much.
I felt so small. How dare someone make me feel stupid for putting them first. How dare them.
I sat there and just thought to myself how lucky I’d feel if someone devoted as much time and effort into me as I always do to other people. Man, what a dream that’d be.
So now I am in a constant worry of needing someone by my side. I need someone to make me feel full. That is my biggest downfall.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Keely, you need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
Well that’s just not going to work. That is honestly not how I am wired. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I can take care of myself just fine. But how can anybody be happy alone? Why is it so awful that I’m much happier with someone with me?
I think it’s quite the opposite.
If that makes me the “girl who does too much” for the rest of my life, so be it.
If you don’t appreciate that kind of woman, I honestly feel bad for you.