***Attention: Sensitive material ahead***
I found this in my deleted files on my computer, and felt the need to share. I wanted to share how I was feeling and why. What my (almost) last words were. What my exact thoughts were before I almost tried to end my life again.
This was not near the time I was hospitalized. This was a separate time.
I realized I hadn’t been okay in a really long time. I am okay now.
I apologize if this offends anyone. This helps me be stronger and look back at where I was, and how far I’ve come.
**Vulgar language is used in the letter below.**
Everything was sh**, absolutely everything.
I decided that just in case I have the balls this time, I’d write my last letter again. I had lots of practice.
After another night of sobs and tears, I typed away:
Remember when I lay next to you, squeezing you closer because I just loved being near you
Remember when you were my best friend who I could always count on?
Remember when we traveled once a month to a hotel because we loved each other that much?
Remember when you weren’t negative about every single thing I said
Remember when you told me “the military is no place for a woman” when I told you I wanted to join the air force
Remember when you played video games all night, then slept all day leaving me to do nothing but wait for you to look at me for two seconds?
Remember when you stopped sleeping in the same bed as me?
Remember when you cared about me?
I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I felt cared about by someone other than my brother.
I wish dad was still here. I wish I had real friends. Real ones that I can count on. College is hard without friends.
I wish Jake would answer my calls when I need him. I wish my phone wasn’t dead and I wish I wasn’t stuck here with no charger, food, or car when Jake was supposed to pick me up from school. Why can’t I depend on him? Why doesn’t he care about me?
I wish I didn’t hate my fucking life.
I wish I didn’t take out $25,000 on loans that bubby will have to pay because I killed myself.
I’m sorry bubby
I wish people were dependable like I am to them.
Why do people suck so bad and what did I do to deserve it?
Im glad now, im sort of relieved
Im free, im free of pain and hurt and free of being unloved and unappreciated
I wasn’t happy then
But I am happy now.